Specific Gravity

I went the entirety of January without posting. Unacceptable. Forgive me. Please. (It's amazing how much dust collects when you don't keep updating.)

So, besides work (which I'm throroughly enjoying, by the way) keeping me busy, here's a graded run-down of what's been going on:

-Christmas: A+. Good stuff. I got a turkey frier and power tools. Seriously. Oh, and socks. I'm looking forward to using all three in a simultaneous free-for-all experience. It should be interesting to see what sock-stuffed cordless drill tastes like fried in peanut oil-- people say it's better than the traditional "oven-baked" kind.

(Brief aside: I found out that turkey friers are the #1 cause for house fires in the US. Great gift, by the way, for someone who has set HIMSELF on fire. Twice.)

-New Years: B. Hanging out with great people (my sister, my brother and sister-in-law, a couple of my sister-in-law's friends, my good buddy, Thad, and my wife), but points deducted for near fights, drunken waiters, and soliciting my wife for a Playboy golf tournament. Mmmmm Mmmmm Shitty.

-Visit with my brother at Wake Forest: A. Would be an A+ if I only would have stayed a day longer. Watched my first FULL college basketball of the season, played PS2 with my brother, ate WONDERFUL Vietnamese food, saw a great movie, and became hopelessly addicted to Lost.

-Writing: D. I had made some SIGNIFICANT progress on my novel (about a chapter and a half), with the intention of finishing by the end of January. I was completely on track until the data stick I saved it on failed and everything I had written (past the last entry on the blog) was erased. So I've been coming to terms with that and trying to bring myself to re-write the lost chapters. More on this in a second...

-Music: 750 math, 400 Verbal. Making some headway and should have it all recorded soon. Thad has been recording on some tracks and has really helped me out big time in bringing out some of the sound.

Anyway, the target completion for both of is: March 1st. Ideally, I'm going to set up a website and put both up for free distribution, which may happen a while after the finished date. But anyone who wants it (assuming it's done 3/1/06), let me know, and I'll get you a copy. I'm happy with how things are going... if you want to hear rough mixes of Chapters 4 and 5 ("Argos" and "Oddbodkins"), you can check out my spiffy myspace page.

I'm headed to the Bahamas this weekend for a wedding and much needed relaxation/drinking my face off. If I can get a connection down there, I'll blog at y'all from the beach.

-You guys: A + + + + + +.

(For those of you who are interested, I've updated "Few and Far Between" as of this evening).

I've decided to do some "Don't Stop Believin'" awards for 2005.

You're going to get attacked by these lists over the next couple of weeks (if you haven't been already), so I thought I'd give out awards that matter.

2005's "I Don't Know What It Means But That's Effin' Hysterical!" Award
Over at Fark.com, they've got these forums next to the articles they post. When I see a ridiculous topic, I'll jump over and read some of the comments for a laugh. And there are some really smart, creative individuals on the site, but sometimes I'm just at a loss for words.

A couple of months ago, the "O Rly?" owl showed up. I'm not sure where it came from or why they used owls but... oh well, here's the owl.


















I assume it means, "Oh, really?" in 1337 (leet) speak, and why they used an owl, I just dunno. I... I just... I dunno. But it got a giggle out of me. It still does. I mean, who knew that owls looked that ridiculous, right?

But it got worse.

I don't know how, but the "O Rly" owl merged into something even more surreal. The most hysterical non-sequitor that I've seen in years.

I can't give you guys warning enough to brace yourselves, but here ya go. The 2005 "I Don't Know What It Means But That's Effin' Hysterical!" award goes to...
















The "Buttsecks?" owl. I don't get it, but every time I see it, I'm laughing. From the look of the owl's face to the spelling of the word "buttsecks", I'm laughing my ass off (pardon the pun) from the moment I see it. In fact, it's on my desktop right now. No joke.

Congratulations, "buttsecks owl".

=======

2005's "What the Fuck's That Smell?" Award

Probably the best story I've heard this year is when New York started smelling like pancakes. Only in a town like New York, a town that has a smell reminiscent of a decaying corpse, would the smell of hotcakes and maple syrup overtaking the city make news.

I thought it might have been some rogue, disallusioned pancake maker unleashing his vengance upon evil-doers across the isle of Manhattan. Some people thought it was a widespread case of MSUD, which would explain the disappearance of the regular "asparagus urine" smell New York usually touts. And of course, there were other theories















(via the brilliant minds over at Fark.com's maple syrup news forum).

Congratulations, Maple Syrup smell.

--To be continued--

I have heard the worst song I've ever laid ears on. It has happened.

While hanging out with Andy and Rusty and a couple of Rusty's friends, the topic of bad music came about. And the song we discussed was mentioned a couple of times this week on the internets.

I thought the worst song of the year was a lock for "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani. But it has been SOUNDLY beaten.

"My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I guess the Peas followed their own advice and "got retarded".

Really.
Fucking.
Retarded.

Even "Hollaback Girl", or "Jenny from the Block", or "Slave 4 U" (probably the top three BAD songs for the last five years) have some shred of musical integrity. They're all bad songs, sure, but they've got something else there once you get past the shitty concept. Good beats, a decent hook... what have you.

Once you get past the shitty concept with this song, you're still knee deep in shit.

Look, I know what they were going for. You've got a female singer that loves to gyrate around and shake her ass. You want to leverage off that? Okay, I'll buy that... It's not like songs haven't been written about such things before and done well (see Britney Spears' entire career aside from the few songs where she's talking about being a girl, not yet a woman).

But the lyrics of this song sound like they were written by a sixth grader.

"My Lovely Lady Lumps"? That's just disgusting.

Gravy has lumps. Mashed potatoes have lumps. When you talk about your "lady lumps", I don't want to take you home or buy you Dolce and Gabana, I want to take you to the doctor to get that shit checked out, girl.

You know what? The more time I spend on this song, the more popularity it gains. This song is not for good. It is for evil.

America needs an eight minute guitar solo right now, not "What you gonna do with all that ass / All that ass inside them jeans?".

So for the good of the children, stop thinking about it. (Although I know those of you who have heard it have it stuck in your head.) Stop talking about it. Nothing to see here...

=====

UPDATE (12/16/04)
As you may have found in the comments, "Wild Cherry Sara" has pointed out a ridiculous remix of a ridiculous song. Go get your asses love drunk of Fergie's hump.

And my boy over at Defective Yeti discussed the topic with his wife... almost the same conversation I had with my wife, K.

So, I haven't finished Few and Far Between yet. I had hoped to finish it by last night (Nov. 30) to get it in for NaNoWriMo, but I got stuck with some big projects at work, and then got horribly sick over the past few days. Plus, I wanted to make sure I didn't rush the last couple of chapters.

But a promise is a promise-- I said "See You in December", and so I'm going to maintain my posting here while I post on FAFB. I should be done with the novel within a few days (a week and a half at most), and I've created links to the different chapters if you fell behind or the blog format was too hard for you guys to read.

Anyway, funny shit forthcoming. Hold tight.

I've started posting my story here:

http://fafb.blogspot.com

Hope you guys enjoy "Few and Far Between".

This is going to be a tough one.

I thought all the way home how I'd write this entry.

I hate to break it to you guys (all five of you), but I'm gonna need some time off. From November 1st through November 30th, this blog will become completely dormant.

I hate to do it, because I really enjoy writing here, but I've got another commitment that's gonna take all of my time for the next thirty days or so.

I'm just not going to have the time to write a blog entry here every couple of days. I'm really sorry.

Here's why.

That's right... this mofo is writing a novel.

50,000 words long (at least).

In thirty days (at most).

Remember a couple of months ago how I was talking about the album I was recording and how I wanted to write a "novella" to go along with it? Well, I found out about NaNoWriMo (I guess it's leet speak for National Novel Writing Month) this morning and mulled it over for an hour. And then I thought about how the hell I would do it if I decided that I was going to go through with it.

I came up with a tentative schedule and decided to go for it. I mean, I've got almost all of the songs for the album written, and while they themselves don't really tell the "story" of what's going on, it's about as good of an outline that I'd ever be able to come up with. So, I'm doing it.

I'm writing a novel called "Few and Far Between". It will be 13 chapters long with a prologue and an epilogue, and each chapter will be named after the songs that will appear on the album. And when I'm done with this thing, I'll get back to work on recording and you'll be able to hear the music behind the story (kind of the reverse of VH1, I guess...).

I know what you're thinking... "Pete, you've come up with ideas that you started and never finished. Why should we believe you when you say that you're going to have a finished novel, 50,000 words long, in a month?"

Why, you ask? Because I need your help. I'm going to write my novel here. You guys get to read the first draft, as it happens, day-by-day. I'm going to leave the comments open, so that when the story starts to suck or you have a suggestion, you can let me know.

But all I ask is for you guys to let me know what you think. Whether it's "you used 'their' instead of they're, dumbass" or it's "this is moving to slow" or it's "I read it", let me know.

'Cause I'm going to need some advice, a little feedback, and a lot of encouragement to get through this bad boy. And once I'm done with the novel, I'll finish the album (target date of 1/31/2006 for a rough draft), and you'll get both of them from me, completely pro bono. And you'll get shoutouts in the liner-notes of the CD booklet. And maybe some other cool stuff too...

But please be aware that this is going to be a first cut, very rough draft that will be full of typos and plot holes and will not be the best story you've ever read. But it'll be one hell of a serial that you'll be viewing real time.

So, who's with me?

But I did want to thank Sara for getting me hooked on the CRACK that is Lifehacker.com-- it's completely safe for work (and might actually help you do it better!).

I'm also working on getting a myspace music page together, but I've got to do some refining. I'll let you know when I've got something substantial up there.

Oh, and I thought I'd pass this along... funniest thing I've seen in a few days (via Screenhead)...


















BWAHAHAHA!!! Totally gets me in the mood for Halloween.